Amber Alena gets a cooldown dicking after a bad workout

On today’s breakdown, Amber Alena’s husband essentially pays a personal trainer to fuck Amber Alena. And do a frog squat. Money well spent. Welcome to “Cooldown Dicking.”

So, Amber’s husband is a pimp, right?

The husband tells Xander there will be more money if Xander takes care of Amber. Which—that’s just a default mechanism of personal training, no? If Xander is good at his job, of course he would and should be given more money to continue improving Amber’s fitness level.

The husband just sounds like someone who wants people to know he has money. Not a fan of people like that. It’s like when people respond with “money is no object” when someone else expresses concern over the amount of money being spent.

Xander starts the workout with some stretching. While you stare at Amber’s tits—which will inevitably burst out of that blue sports brassiere—can we talk about stretching before a workout?

I’m firmly in the camp of warming up before a workout and stretching after. Three things: 1) stretching before exercise does not prevent injury or soreness; 2) it’s not proven to improve your performance; 3) it could lead to decreases in strength, power and explosive performance.

It’s suggested to do dynamic stretching as a part of an active warm-up. Examples would be leg swings or arm circles. Static stretching won’t truly get you ready for strenuous activity. Touching your toes is a static stretch, so Xander isn’t doing his best work. But he knows how to produce a good camera shot.

Later, Xander becomes both a good producer AND trainer by doing some high knees. You know, to get the tits bouncing blood pumping. Amber needs to get her arms more involved. A good trainer would point that out. Step it up, Xander!

They proceed to do a resistance band exercise, but it’s unclear what’s going on. Xander’s pulling at the center of the band while Amber is holding the handle bars and is simply … jumping? But there’s no need to give a fuck about that now, because the inevitable bra-bursting finally happens!

What an explosive performance! Xander (who looks to be in good shape) does the only reasonable thing: point and stammer. But Amber isn’t worried because she now feels more comfortable. Which—good for her! It’s important to feel comfortable while exercising. If having her miniature basketballs exposed helps, then all’s well that ends well.

Xander tries to be professional in the face of Amber clearly trying to provoke an erection a reaction from him. I’m not slut-shaming. Get your dick, girl! But any woman who doesn’t immediately fix a bra clearly had no intention of keeping that bra on.

And by “professional”, I mean Xander gets a visible chubby and has Amber do a frog squat. One, her knees are way ahead of her toes. STEP IT UP, XANDER! Two, why is Xander not wearing underwear? I know it’s porn and going commando is more efficient. It’s just—have some decency! And even if you don’t have decency, you don’t want your franks and beans knocking around.

The workout continues with Amber doing a resistance band leg press on the floor, sans yoga mat. For someone who wants to feel comfortable, she didn’t care nearly enough about her back on this one. But no time for that lack of logic, because Xander’s dangle is fully out of his shorts and Amber is ready to get handsy. And mouthy.

Xander asks about Amber’s husband, which—LOL—c’mon bro. NOW you’re worried about the fake pimp?! I actually thought the husband left the house considering he is dressed in a Steve Harvey suit. If he’s been home the whole time, he’s more of a douche than I thought.

Eventually, the husband returns to the living room to sit on their ugly-looking sectional. Rational people would put their clothes back on and save this sexcapade for another day. But these people put their clothes back on just so they can fuck behind the sectional and take their clothes off again.

We all know why this is galactically stupid, but porn loves it when people fuck within a couple of feet of someone and don’t get caught. Apparently, attempting perfectly quiet sex makes more sense than tip-toeing to another room.

Thing is, Amber and Xander are the opposite of quiet. The husband openly asks what’s going on, but Amber doesn’t respond. He’s not the “speak when spoken to” type. Fake-ass pimp.

Amber is clearly looking for a fight, begging her husband to see what’s going on and do something about it. That’s when you know a marriage is fucking terrible. But nope, he’s also not the investigating type. He just walks off and doesn’t take a second to turn his head and see what’s going on. Fake-ass pimp.

With the husband out of the way, trainer and client decide to fuck out in the open and give stealth the middle finger. AMBER IS LOOKIN’ FOR A FIGHT! Dana White would be so proud of her. In a last ditch effort to be a decent trainer, Xander fucks Amber on a stationary bike. She’s not even pedaling, so Xander fails to do his job effectively, again. Step up it, Xander.

If you want to see Amber Alena and her enhanced tits jump around, support your porn people. You can go to Brazzers right now and pay for the full scene. If you just want more Amber Alena, follow her on Twitter and learn all the ways you can support her. Have a good night.

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