Marica Hase gets up close and personal with Brake and his huge dick

On today’s breakdown, Marica Hase is a journalist with only one question: how huge is your cock? Welcome to “Up Close and Personal with Brake.”

Marica is a journalist for an outlet called Glamorous Tokyo, and for reasons, her latest assignment involves interviewing someone named “Brake”.

“Brake” sounds like the kind of name dudes come up with in the studio and think is cool as hell. Then one person takes a puff and says, “that means you’re about to shut the whole thing down,” and everyone is like, “yoooo, you got ’em!”

“Brake” is the name of a rapper whose music plays at Hudson Grille on a UFC Fight Night as me and my friends think, “Damn, they just let anybody rap, huh?”

I just learned hip-hop has a multiverse of Gotti’s: Irv Gotti, Yo Gotti, Don Gotti, Big Gotti, Juan Gotti, Bazooka Joe Gotti. The list is endless and their music ranges from “terrible” to “playable at a party.”

Which is all to say—is Glamorous Tokyo and Japan really that interested in Brake? This is the biggest story Marica has worked on? As much as I’d like to think Brake is the Kendrick Lamar of this alternate timeline, I seriously doubt it considering his name is “Brake”—which is close to “Drake,” mind you.

Fuck! It just clicked—Brake is the Drake is this alternate timeline. Yo, I got ’em!

Anyway, Marica has heard rumors that Brake has a big cock, and she needs to find out for herself. She says it’s to satisfy her journalistic curiosity. I’m betting it’s to satisfy her vaginal curiosity. Don’t drag journalism into a dick appointment. Brake is the Big Sean of this alternate timeline.

Marica tells Brake’s assistant that she wants to ask a few more questions, but off the record and in private. Rather than fish for more information, the assistant just assumes Marica is talking about Brake’s dick. Because EVERY woman who interviews him has questions about his dick, amirite?

The assistant informs Brake of Marica’s request, and Brake already knows the procedure: Get rid of the purse. Grab her butt. Rub on her tits. His pants are nearly halfway down and I don’t remember him doing that. So this dude has been sitting in this room, waiting for this reporter and this moment, pants halfway off. Gross.

Although, what if this is just a rapper’s lifestyle? Rappers have a peculiar obsession with talking about dick size. Maybe rockers and country singers do as well, but I don’t listen to their music so I dunno. I’ve been listening to hip-hop religiously since I was a teen, and 8 out of 10 rappers need you know that their dicks are big.

In “Won’t Back Down,” Eminem says, “I’mma measure my dick, shit I need 6 inches more. Fuck my dick’s big!” Not sure why I thought of that. What if all these lyrics, Ariana Grande tweets, and Karrine Steffans interviews just lead to a life where rappers are always prepared to drop trou because some girl on some day has journalistic curiosity?

Aaah! R.I.P. to Marica’s hymen, cervix, pelvic bone, and everything else that is going to be fucked for the next two months. In light of her “journalistic curiosity,” doesn’t she technically have her answer already? All she had to do was ask and find out, but instead, she’s going to fuck around and find out.

Can we also sympathize with Brake for a moment? He has a terrible name and a dick that has probably scared more women then we know. How many times has he pulled his pants down only for a girl to be like, “nah, we’re good, but thank you for your cooperation and openness.”

Great, ruin her throat while you’re at it. I hope Marica is a great writer because she sure as hell won’t be making a podcast or YouTube short any time soon. Not sure how she plans on explaining this to her editor. “How did you end up with both laryngeal trauma and injuries to the mouth?!” Dick.

Out of my journalistic curiosity, I have a real question for Marica and anyone else who has done a scene with the likes of Julio Gomez: is the feeling pleasurable, painful, or a mix of both?

I could guess that a moment or two would bring pleasure, but a larger percentage of that time is just all of the pain receptors going off. I don’t even know if pain receptors are a real thing or where they are. I just don’t have a better way to express this because I’m not a woman and have NO clue how this must feel.

I was reading a VICE article on why self-proclaimed “size queens” prefer big dicks. The ideas expressed by these women are a bit all over the map, understandable because we’re all different. One woman likes the “strange sense of pride” she gets from the challenge. Another woman “likes feeling sore the morning after” and the intense orgasms. On the flip side, a third woman doesn’t enjoy the pain.

In the end, we salute you for your service, Marica. Those are the clinched fist of a woman trying to ride out the next 14 or so minutes. She’s going to have to take some deep breaths.

If you want to see the rest of Marica Hase’s endurance challenge, go purchase a membership at BLACKED. You can also follow Marica Hase on Instagram and get all the links necessary to support her. Have a good night.

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