Today we’re watching “Elf on a Shelf” from Exxxtra Small, featuring Jasmine Grey and Johnny Castle.
I guess Jasmine Grey is a spy for Santa Claus and needs to find out if Johnny Castle is naughty or nice. But even after she realizes Johnny is a perv, Santa doesn’t rescue Jasmine from the situation and she is used like a sex doll. Real shame. The elves deserve better work conditions.
I’d rather watch Johnny Castle—looking like Tony D’Angelo, if D’Angelo were a mob thug for Santa—badly sing Christmas carols for the next 32 minutes than watch him fuck 4’9” Jasmine Grey. After he finishes singing “Jingle Bells,” I want him to sing the following:
- Deck the Halls
- O’ Christmas Tree
- 12 Days of Christmas
- Silent Night
- Last Christmas
- Christmas Eve
- Santa Claus Is Back In Town
I don’t care that the last three songs aren’t Christmas carols. “Last Christmas” is awesome while the other two are wonderfully sexual and creepy. I want Johnny to sing “You leave some cookies out, I’mma eat ’em all” while he lifts Jasmine in the air to inefficiently give her oral.
Pedophiles can fulfill their fever dream of watching a small, teenage-adjace girl have sex. So I should be able to hear Christmas music with my porn. If Johnny has the energy to pick up Jasmine like a rag doll, he has to energy to belt out “Santa Claus is comin’ down your chimney tonight” as he creampies her.
I should explain what’s happening. Santa Claus only gives gifts to “good” children who coincidentally come from mid- to high-income households. Johnny is clearly one of the “good” ones because there is a giant box from the North Pole outside the door of his huge and well-designed home. We all know what’s in the box:
Gwyneth Paltrow’s head a small human being.
The gift comes with a note. Whatever is inside the box is a test to see if Johnny is naughty or nice. He can look at the gift, but he can’t touch it. If he does, he will have bad fortune. This is porn, so we know the following: he is naughty, he will touch the gift, and sex is only bad fortune if it comes with burning pee.
The gift is called “The Shelf Elf” because Team Skeet knows how memes work. Turns out, The Shelf Elf is a girl whose muscles don’t work. Or a RealDoll.
I originally typed two paragraphs on how “petite and Asian” girls being used as fuck dolls isn’t my thing. But I don’t want to kill the vibe. Instead, I’ll just point out that Johnny dead lifted this girl from a box while wearing that hat, and I cackled the entire time.
Christ on a bike, she does look like a RealDoll! Johnny inspects and fondles The Shelf Elf because that’s what men do when no one is looking. We haven’t even established if Jasmine is a human or a doll, but Johnny is already pulling a Trump and grabbing her by the pussy.
Jasmine doesn’t move or blink during this, which is terrifying. The moment she finally blinks is a sigh of relief. Jasmine Grey is going the extra mile for this incredibly stupid role.
The next morning, we realize The Shelf Elf is perpetually smiling and especially annoying. She draws on Johnny’s face, throws his keys in the toilet, and wraps toilet paper around the Christmas tree.
These are all mild offenses, mind you. While the solvents in the ink of a Sharpie pen are a health concern, drawing on one’s skin generally isn’t a big risk. We can use a coat hanger to get keys out of toilet water. And while I know everyone and their moms were buying toilet paper last year, losing one roll won’t kill you—unless you poop a lot.
Johnny ain’t having this shit, but it’s not enough to send him over the edge. In fact, he’s going to make a sandwich. Thing is—
Jasmine pours hot sauce on it. Fucking bitch. I can put up with a lot, but never ruin a perfectly good sandwich. If Johnny dropkicks Jasmine off that barstool right now, this would become the greatest porn video of all-time. But Johnny has a different idea and an obsession that I can’t fully grasp.
Johnny wants to prove that The Shelf Elf is real. I don’t know why he cares or why this even matters. He wasn’t concerned about her realness when he was rubbing her pussy lips or pulling her nipples. And if he does get an answer on whether she’s real or not, what would his next move even be? Let’s break this down:
Let’s say she is real … this means Jasmine is a human being who was placed inside of a box and sent to Johnny’s house just to annoy him and creep him out. That would bring up a ton of questions lacking sensible answers. This would also mean that Johnny sexually assaulted Jasmine earlier.
Let’s say she isn’t real … this means Johnny is in the middle of a horror movie. This entity is travelling around his home, picking things up with its hands, and making moves. It’s only a matter of time before it picks up a knife and stabs him in his sleep. Don’t fuck with magical or possessed things.
But never mind that shit, because Johnny is going to prove if Jasmine is real by … eating her pussy? His grand idea is to see if Jasmine reacts to having her cookie eaten. If she moans, she must be real. Sexual contact is the best way to prove someone’s physical humanity.
What if this made Jasmine real? Pinocchio had to die and prove himself brave and truthful to become a real human boy. All Jasmine needed was a well-placed tongue.
Now that Johnny knows Jasmine is real, this would be a good time to apologize for the sexual assault and ask some questions. Is she really an elf? Why is she here? Is Jasmine being annoying to test Johnny’s temperament? Or, did Johnny already fail Jasmine’s test by touching her?
Or, is Jasmine single, ready to mingle, and wants to have her pussy jingled? I assume elves are single. Their jobs seem too demanding to be balanced with a relationship. Also, they live in the North Pole. According to National Geographic Society, NO ONE lives there. So the elves’ only options for sex are other elves, Santa Claus, and Mrs. Claus. I’m confident Mrs. Claus is forever old while Santa can’t see his own dick.
Maybe Jasmine just wants to fuck someone else? Why she went through all this trouble over some dick is beyond my understanding. Johnny went from Is she real? to I’m going to fuck an elf in less than five seconds. Jasmine could’ve knocked on his door, shouted “fuck me,” and Johnny would have complied.
Some guy is watching this and going, “look at Jasmine’s pussy grip.” I’m looking at this and laughing as I realize her ass is wrapped in a bow like a gift in needing of opening. That’s cute. I’m a useless porn viewer.
Jasmine squatting like Gollum as she sucks Johnny’s dick is unnerving. I get that she’s tiny, so we want to have a little bit of fun with her positioning to show just how small she is. But I’m expecting her to whisper “my precious” at some point. Jizz is the key to extending her life.
I just realized that the “bad fortune” was the toilet paper, hot sauce, etc. Like—that’s it?! Johnny sexually assaulted Jasmine and was punished with keys covered in poop water and a bad sandwich. Johnny so much learned his lesson that he did a risk-benefit analysis and figured he could fuck Jasmine without consent. What’s the worst Jasmine could do? Throw away his box of Christmas Crunch cereal?
Want to see the full scene without me interrupting? Of course you do. Grab a membership with Exxxtra Small to download “Elf on a Shelf” and other full-length scenes. They also have channels on XVideos and PornHub.
You can also support Jasmine Grey by subscribing to all of her social media. We’ll see you next time. Drive home safely.