Mia Khalifa is cumming for dinner and an attempt at serious discourse

Today we’re watching “Mia Khalifa is Cumming for Dinner” from Bangbros, featuring Julianna Vega, Sean Lawless, and of course, Mia Khalifa.

Mia Khalifa doesn’t understand why her stepmom Julianna Vega and her Muslim family can’t accept her biker boyfriend. When Julianna randomly decides to fuck Mia’s boyfriend, Mia believes winning a sex competition against Julianna will change things. It doesn’t. Like, not at all.

Sean Lawless and Mia Khalifa ride home on a motorcycle

I have to be that person: other than a member of TNA’s Aces & Eights, does anyone really dress like that? I know it’s the easiest way to paint someone as a “bad boy”, but goodness it looks cartoonish.

Julianna Vega opens the window to spy on Mia Khalifa

As Sean Lawless pulls up on his bike, Mia Khalifa’s stepmom—I must stress, this is the stepmom—Julianna Vega looks on from a window far too tall for her. I, on the other hand, am too busy looking at dat ass … and those dirty dishes. Those dishes are giving me anxiety.

Mia Khalifa and Sean Lawless make out at the front door

Sean walks Mia to her door like a decent person. Just as I say that, Sean (and his motorcycle gang outfit from Party City) gets too handsy with Mia before jamming his tongue down her throat. What a BAD BOY! My vision is fairly good, so let’s take a moment to read the patches on his vest:

  • Normal people scare me!
  • Heavily sedated for your protection
  • Ride it like you stole it
  • So many freaks, not enough circuses
  • What a long, strange trip it’s been
  • My helmet—my choice

Since patches are like bumper stickers on a car, here is everything we know about Sean: he’s rebellious, we won’t like him when he’s angry, he likes to drive fast on GTA, he looks down on abnormal people (though, normal people scare him), has plenty of stories to share, and he’s either pro-abortion or anti-vaccine mandates.

Julianna is too short to spy on Mia through the peephole

Julianna continues to struggle with a house made for someone taller than her. That peephole is inconvenient. Did you know that peepholes can also be called peekholes, spyholes, doorholes, door viewers, and magic mirrors? That’s far too much “hole” verbiage for this commentary.

Julianna grabs Mia and tries to get her away from Sean

The action turns into a chaotic episode of Cheaters after Julianna runs out to stop this foolishness. She pushes Sean away as Mia needs a second to grasp what’s happening before talking back to Julianna. Someone ’bout to get smacked across the mouth.

Mia repeatedly tells Julianna, "This is my boyfriend!"
Mia: “This is my boyfriend. THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND!” (loud noises)

Or yelled at. I sincerely love it when people are remarkably uncool in tense situations. Julianna popped out with bullets flying, and all Mia can give in return is confirmation of who Sean is, as if a) it fucking matters, and b) Julianna doesn’t already know this.

Mia pulls Sean into the house to speak with Julianna
Mia: “He’s coming with me!.”

Julianna wants to talk with Mia, but Mia insists on Sean coming with her. Fuck knows why. She doesn’t have to go all I’m not leaving without him. He’ll be fine. Even Sean seems to understand it’s better for him to just go home. If we’re going to say that Mia’s father will figuratively “kill” her for dating an obviously unapproved young man, how does bringing that young man into the house solve this?

Mia and Sean hold hands as Julianna lectures them at the dining table

The three sit together as Mia and Sean hold hands as a symbol of solidarity. I bet Sean’s palms are sweaty. At this point, we start a conversation about modern arranged marriage without using the words “arranged marriage”—a serious subject that porn is ill-equipped to deal with. So, let’s strap ourselves in.

Mia and Sean react to Julianna telling them, "You're better than this, Mia."
Julianna to Mia: “You’re better than this, Mia.”

While Mia repeatedly tells Julianna “you don’t know him” (certainly, THAT should change Julianna’s thinking), Julianna insults Sean in a simultaneously passive and direct way. She won’t say anything to him, but will ensure he hears it. And while he is right to be taken aback by this, we should remember that Julianna is correct: Mia is 100% better than this.

Mia even realizes it when she mentions, “he’s just a means of transportation.” Either that line was ad-libbed, or Sean completely missed the jab because he totally no-sold it. Bruh, if Mia got a car today, he’s out of the picture and her vagina. Enjoy it before she learns how to drive or the public transit system improves.

Sean decides to go the bathroom and leave the conversation

Sean, back to being a decent person, realizes this conversation is out of his coverage and goes to the bathroom. Good for him and his ability to read the room. During his absence, Julianna raises a good point.

Mia knows the family she has grown up in, and letting some play biker play grab-ass on the front steps was admirable but mistaken. Living in Western culture, the thought that Mia’s father is the de facto final boss for whoever Mia dates (or ultimately marries) feels unfair. But Julianna’s bigger point is that this IS the reality Mia lives in. Discussing the level of personal choice that Mia has is a valid discussion, but she can still be more careful and stealthy in the meantime.

Julianna confronts Sean about dating Mia

Anyhow, after Sean has washed his hands for an eternity, Julianna confronts him. It’s a shame none of this has any emotional or social weight because we already know that poor sex decisions will be made that complicate the story even more. Even so, Julianna gently trying to help ignorant Sean understand the situation is actually very sweet—

Julianna shows Sean her big tits and gropes him

Welp fuck that shit! That escalated quickly for who the fuck knows! It’s like Bangbros remembered it was paying Julianna Vega and Mia Khalifa by the hour for porn, not an after-school special. Somebody had to drop a titty and starting necking before this got too real.

There is no context or prelude to Julianna suddenly developing a vagenda. This is what’s so frustrating about reality porn. We’re presented with an already outlandish scenario (like an Islamic stepmom and stepdaughter fucking a 90s biker) with zero effort to at least try and make sense of it. At this point, Bangbros should drop whatever story they started and skip to the sex.

Mia wants Sean to stay and continuing talking with Julianna

While this was going on, Mia found time to prepare a full lunch. Sean remembers that he shouldn’t be here and tries to escape by saying things are “getting weird.” But Mia begs him to stay, conceding that what’s going on is “not normal.” Mia, what exactly is going on that is not normal (other than the thing you don’t know about)?

Let’s be clear: Mia and Julianna are portraying Muslim characters. While Mia is Lebanese-American, don’t let Julianna being Cuban confuse you. I’m confident she was put in this role only because she can visually pass as “woman who wears hijab”. Ridley Scott white-casted Exodus: Gods and Kings, and Bangbros Cuban-casted a Muslim woman. Fair? Fair

While I’m sure many Muslim people follow more modern values then traditional ones (and it should be noted that Islam does not require marriages to be arranged), it’s not un-normal for Muslim relationships to be assisted by family or others within the community. The idea that Mia’s father would want involvement in Mia’s dating life feels rather normal. For Mia to say otherwise can mean a couple of things:

  • Mia hasn’t really talked to Sean about her family and background.
  • This is the panicking words of a young person. Mia doesn’t have time to fully explain this, so the only thing she can think to do is reflect what she believes Sean is expressing.
Mia explains to Julianna how she and Sean met

Anyhow, Julianna demands an explanation for how Mia and Sean met. The story Mia tells is genuinely sweet. As is goes, Mia had finished her math exam, and Sean pulled up on his bike, asking if Mia wanted a ride. Mia believes in stranger danger (good girl), but eventually—whoops, it seems Julianna dropped her spoon— eventually agreed to taking a walk in the park. Turns out, Mia has already met Sean’s parents—

Julianna gives Sean a blowjob under the dining table

Yada, yada, Julianna is done listening. Sean is rather sedated about all of this, most likely for Mia’s emotional protection. As Julianna sucks a penis under the table, Mia keeps talking, openly wondering why her parents can’t be accepting of Sean the way Sean’s parents are accepting of Mia.

While I wonder if Sean’s parents are aware that Mia comes from a Muslim family (it seems clear that till now, Mia didn’t explain this to Sean), that doesn’t lessen any empathy toward Mia. I have to assume that coming from a family with strong religious beliefs can be difficult while wanting to fully embrace and take part in a Western-influenced society. While naive, we can appreciate that Mia wants to be idealistic about how her parents view her relationships—

Mia catches her stepmom giving her boyfriend a blowjob
Mia: What the fuck are you doing?!

Oh fuck, the gig is up. Here’s the better question: what the fuck was Mia doing? While Julianna sucked her boyfriend’s dick for over a minute, Mia’s sitting there rambling about vacations, and acceptance, and some other shit. Did Mia think Julianna’s spoon fell into a vortex like a lost sock in a washing machine?

And I get it. Mia’s young and took a couple of debate classes in her university, so now she believes she is smart about life and the world around her. But she’s not that bright and gets slightly dumber by blaming Julianna for all of this, citing that Julianna “provoked him.” Granted, Julianna literally did stimulate and get a rise out of Sean. But excusing people’s lack of accountability does not fly. Mia’s acting like Sean was physically incapable of pulling his penis out of Julianna’s mouth.

(Note: And Sean, please put your dick away. I know you’re getting ready for the next chapter of this scene. Putting your dick up only to bring it back out for what I assume will be a blowjob is inefficient. I acknowledge that. But keep in mind, your character doesn’t know he’s in the porn dimension right now. I get that normal people scare you, but try to act normal.)

Julianna challengers her stepdaughter to see who Sean really wants

I have to admit, I didn’t see this next part coming. Because rather than argue, Julianna just lays down the gauntlet: she thinks they should let Sean decide what he wants. To quote this Cuban legend, Sean will either choose “a little girl like you (Mia), or a woman just like me (Julianna).” A glass shattered somewhere because that’s stone cold.

When Mia tries to continue her argument, Julianna just yells, “FUCKING PROVE IT! Get him off!” When did this become a competition?! Julianna has been waiting for this moment all her life, hasn’t she? She and Mia have been beefing with each other across time and universes.

Sean, with the line of the night, says “This is why I wanted to leave.” Word? THIS is why?! Your penis is sooo magnetic that you knew Julianna would want some? Dude, you’re lucky your girl is one of those “sound smart and enlightened” types. She’s got the common sense of a bag of bricks. She really thinks fucking you better than her stepmom will allow her to keep dating you.

Mia watches on as Julianna gives Sean a blowjob
Mia asks: “Sean, you don’t like that, right?”

We got ourselves a good old fashioned dick-sucking contest. Sean was set to play FIFA 15 with his roommates, and instead stumbled into a value pack of vagina. What a long, strange trip it’s been.

The sadness in Mia’s face as she realizes Julianna can suck the soul out of a cock is both heartbreaking and hilarious. And just for clarity, we’re here because Julianna suggested we see “who sucks better dick.” Not to be that guy, but the correct lexical grammar is “who sucks dick better.” There’s only one penis involved in this competition, but two suckers.

You know who I feel bad for? The straight, white male. This is like a Telltale game where the consequences are the same. If they are really looking for him to make a decision, the only ending involves the father killing him. He should go with the square button and call this a 10-10 round. Diplomacy is key in this heated competition.

Mia and Julianna give Sean a blowjob together

They are battling for you porn watcher Sean! This is THE fantasy, right? We want to believe our dicks have so much value that women would fight each other for it. They would let go of previous belief systems and ruin families and relationships just give put a mushroomed head in their doorholes. Truth is, as Kendrick Lamar said, dick is disposable.

Except for Michael Fassbender’s penis. That’s a penis worth fighting for. Also, I’m getting slightly nervous by how close Mia and Julianna’s mouths are getting to one another. Stay focused on the prize, ladies.

Julianna decides her and Mia will have sex with Sean
Julianna: “Let’s see who fuck him better.”

Ma’am, it’s “Let’s see who FUCKS him better.” The verb should have an “s” at the—never mind. Julianna has had enough for this dick-sucking bullshit. Her neck is sore, her tight jeans are getting hot, and she’s ready to risk an STD for reasons that have yet to be explained.

Mia kisses Julianna as Julianna does reverse cowgirl with Sean

NOOOOO! Now Mia and Julianna are crossing a few too many boundaries. Fuck Doctor Strange and his terrible YOLO-style of sorcery. The recklessness of this stepmom-stepdaughter duo fucking each other will break the multiverse. They are losing sight of the main objective: proving their sexual prowess. These girls are freaks, and this is a circus.

Julianna kisses Mia as Mia rides Sean

Okay, first of all, thank you for ditching the hijabs. Second, we now have a bigger story on our hands: Mia and Julianna (who I have to reiterate are stepdaughter and stepmom in this scenario) clearly want to fuck each other. Sean is just a means of vaginal transportation at this point. And lest we not forget, this is definitely a 10-9 round for Mia. She had at least an extra minute and a half of control time.

Julianna sits her big ass on Mia's face as Mia gets fucked

By the end of the video, Mia and Julianna are going to forget Sean is there. He’ll have to cum in a corner. We somehow went from Julianna barely spying on Mia through a peephole to Mia peeking at Julianna’s holes as she sits on Mia’s face. This happened within **counts fingers** eight steps. Incredible.

Julianna and Mia share a cumshot from Sean

Ugh, gross. In a show of insecure dominance, Mia tries to steal the sperm from Julianna’s mouth. It’s like a bird feeding her babies. What a weird showing of jealousy. That’s supposed to be MY sperm! Sorry bitch, but Julianna won. Cumshots are for closers. An angry Mia snaps, “You can fucking have him, he’s yours.”

But here’s the thing, Mia: Julianna doesn’t want your man. I get that you are angry because you stupidly thought a sex battle would fix your life. Math exams don’t teach us how to deal with these situations. But you’ll realize Julianna wants YOU. While Sean is putting his vest on, I hope you accept that the two of you just want each other. Julianna secretly needs you to stay single. “You can do better than him” is Julianna crying out, “We should do each other.”

What the fuck did I just watch?!

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