Welcome to Porn Logic! Today, we’re watching “Go With The Flow” featuring Abella Danger and Zoey Monroe from Brazzers.

“Go With The Flow” tells the story of Abella Danger, who’s stuck living with her ex-boyfriend Michael Vegas and his new girlfriend Zoey Monroe. Tragic. Michael is slow to move out, and Abella is wound up as their presence is getting on her last damn nerve.

Abella tries to find activities to help her release her stress, but Zoey teaches Abella that the only activity she needs is sex. And a good squirt or two. Or three. Or four. Or ten. After sharing genitals and fluid together, how is Abella going to get these two out of her apartment now?

* * *

Is laundry day a valid excuse to not wear underwear? I kind of see the logic in it, but I also don’t believe this is a real thing. We should have enough underwear that we don’t have to Daffy Duck this task.

I asked my girlfriend for confirmation. She said most women do laundry while naked, before telling me she was joking. Aside from revealing the sarcasm, her sarcasm is improving.

There is no universe where this dude is both in a relationship and having sex with Abella Danger. He’s like a mix of a 60’s drummer, whatever character Juice Robinson played in NXT, and a white dude who doesn’t fully understand Bohemian fashion. And ALL of those descriptions seem lazy.

I’m not smart, so I looked up how inventory is used as a verb. Inventory means “to make a list of something.” Either that word doesn’t mean what Michael thinks it means, or the person helping Michael is someone other than a mover.

I can’t tell if Zoey is plotting something that involves Abella, desires Abella, is concealing a fart, or a mix of all three. Conceal is another word for hide. I know how to sound smart, too.

I know Abella is frustrated. It’s bad enough her ex-boyfriend refuses to leave their place, but he brings in the new girlfriend to boot. That being said, we have to get our terminology correct.

Michael isn’t “squatting” or trying to claim rights to the property. At worst, he is probably a tenant who isn’t on a signed lease agreement. Michael does have some rights to be there and Abella won’t have an easy time getting him out, other than filing an eviction lawsuit (which sounds like a hassle).

Also, we don’t have confirmation that Zoey is a “slut.” A slut is someone with many casual, sexual partners. Unless Zoey is passing her pussy around the neighborhood, this isn’t a fair thing to say, even if it’s out of anger.

SHE CALLED YOU A SLUT! Maybe you’re hard of hearing, so I want to make that clear. I listened to a lot of loud music as a teen, so my ears don’t work well. I empathize with you.

If Michael throws his clothes in the hamper after a single use (which I highly doubt), this isn’t the worst thing. It’s an inefficient use of water, but at least the clothes wouldn’t be too dirty.

Either Abella has the roundest ass in the galaxy, or she’s sticking her ass out FAR too much. Along with the way Zoey’s creeping on Abella from the back, I’m very concerned for what’s next. I’m hoping for a fight. I’m expecting rapey behavior.

Although, it looks like Abella Danger doesn’t miss arm day at the gym. Good for her. She could absolutely fight this bitch and win. Hell, Michael could catch those hands, too.

There goes Zoey and that face. Now there’s no confusion: we’re getting a little bit of “a” and a little bit of “b” with her. Bitch is definitely plotting something, but there is some desire as well. This girl wants some cake.

We also have a little bit of “a” and a little bit of “b” with Abella. She has quite the bubble on her butt, but she’s also pushing the hips out a bit. I bet her Romanian deadlift form is stellar.

Pulling up someone’s dress is not a reasonable way to get their attention. That’s worth a slap across the jaw, but I’m sure Abella will forgive this within the next two minutes.

And poor Abella. She just wants to wash her dishes in peace and release some stress. She’s been having a bad few weeks and can’t catch a break. Also, that bowl is definitely broken.

Ohhhh. So Winnie the Pooh-ing laundry day ISN’T a normal thing. Thank you for the confirmation, Zoey, and apologies to my girlfriend for needing a second opinion.

We now know where this is going. Abella is stressed, and the activity she needs to reduce that stress is sex. Turns out, this is one of the health benefits of sex. According to Lloyds Pharmacy, our bodies release endorphins and oxytocin during sex. These are feel-good hormones that create feelings of relaxation and intimacy. They can also fight off anxiety and depression.

That’s dope. Question: does this mean Abella wanted to use her open-air vagina to persuade Michael to have sex with her? I totally believe the two haven’t had sex since whatever situation split them apart, and I’m 50% certain Abella doesn’t want Michael back. It’s more likely she feeds off of whatever bit of control she can have over him, or just wants to feel sexy and wanted again.

Thing is, the only person who wants Abella is Zoe, which opens up an unexpected opportunity to get back at Michael. I’m sure Michael has an ego, and watching the new girlfriend hook up with the ex-girlfriend is a dagger to his masculinity.

So how does Brazzers plan on turning a straight-forward lesbian scene into a threesome? I have no clue.

I dunno. Because you have bad taste in men? To be fair, Abella did, too.

Let me make sure I understand this. Zoey has been interested in Abella this entire time. While I don’t doubt that getting close to Abella (who may or may not be openly bisexual in this narrative) is difficult, Zoey’s plan was to use Michael to be in closer proximity and strike once an opportunity presented itself?

That’s convoluted as fuck! Did Zoey purposely drive a wedge between Michael and Abella as well? If this weren’t porn, it would serve as a decent C-movie posing as a suspenseful romance.

And I’m aware NiceGuys™ pull bullshit like this all the time. They become friends with a friend of the girl they want to fuck in an effort to get closer to said girl they want to fuck. But Zoey has to be better than that, no?

Ah, the scent of persuasion and bad choices. I agree that Abella was clearly looking for something. I’m just not certain the “something” is a tongue in her pink pocket and a nose grazing her stink rocket.

Zoey stuffed her face in Abella’s cake without consent. I would expect Abella to swing on her. Instead, Abella’s eyes are about to roll back like The Undertaker. Seems absurd to me, but I’m not a woman and don’t understand the value of a good cleaning via the tongue.

Let’s give Michael Vegas his roses. He perfectly nails the transition from shock and awe, to awe and delight. He looks like he’s coming to grips with death by snu snu.

THEY FUCKIN’! Maybe your vision isn’t very good, and you don’t eat enough carrots. Figured I’d help out. And so you know, according to the Gailey Eye Clinic, carrots contain beta-carotene. This substance is converted to vitamin A, which is an important nutrient for eye health. Make sure you eat your vegetables so when the new girlfriend fucks the ex-girlfriend, there shouldn’t be any visual confusion.

First off, “this one” has a name. For someone who apparently wanted to get closer to Abella, Zoey instead refers to her like an object. Second, you know there’s more to a relationship than sex, right? I’m sure Abella’s pussy and heart-shaped pubic hair taste great, but that’s not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship.

It’s like when Steve Wilkos’ guests say they won’t leave their sh*tty partners because they love them. What they’re really saying is the sex is too good to put on waivers.

Third, we now know that Michael is the one who dumped “this one.” If true, what made Michael think that staying in the apartment would be copacetic? Not very cash money of you, chief. It seems like Michael is living under Abella’s roof and not the other way around. So wouldn’t Michael already have plans to leave BEFORE dumping her? You dumb donkey!

Hol’ up. YOU dumped Abella for Zoey, and then stayed in the apartment for what reason exactly? Or did Zoey convince you to stay, which would inevitably make Abella frustrated, and allow Zoey to be a quasi-hero by using her tongue to relieve Abella of her stress? Zoey is either a Bond villain or the luckiest, dumb genius in America.

And Michael, assess the situation. These two women are having sex, one of them just grabbed your dick, and you want to spend the next minute making sense of this and arguing for a one-on-one situation-ship? Bro, it’s a free play. Take it now before they come to their senses.

I’m confused. Is dick supposed to accomplish that? I’m guessing he had no problem using his dick all those times he WASN’T sorry, so the logic of this doesn’t check out.

And just like that, you Michael has stumbled his way into a threesome. Someone help me find my keys and brain because I’m lost.

Oh crackers, Abella is a human fountain and was hurtin’ for a squirtin’ this entire time! This is Abella’s story of needing to release tension. She thought household chores would do the trick, but turns out she just needed to eject fluid from her vagina.

Here’s the problem: her ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend are the ones who helped Abella come to this epiphany. In the loop from hell, Abella will probably let the two of them stay longer if it means they give her the “release,” but she only needs the release because the two of them won’t leave. A vagenda just became a conundrum.

Damn, and they just loaded up the washer. Hopefully—unlike her underwear—Abella has another set of bed sheets to use in the interim.