Threesomes in porn, explained.

What do you have for me today?

I was thinking about how cool it would be to have sex with two people at the same time. We can call it a “threesome.” Though, preferably with two women.

Why do you want to have sex with two people?

Why wouldn’t I? I like women, different women, especially. With so many beautiful women out there, it feels like a shame to limit myself to one, you know?

I guess.

Plus, I really enjoy sex. Dick-in-vagina contact is the best, amirite?

I don’t know why you said it that way, but again, I don’t disagree.

So, I figured a threesome would present the best of both worlds. I can have sex—something I enjoy—with more than one woman—something I desire. We all know two things are better than one.

Two broken bones aren’t better than one broken bone.

You don’t know that.

Okay. If anything, this does sound efficient.

Exactly! Rather than having to schedule sex appointments with multiple women and remembering to bring a condom each time, it would be easier to schedule a sex appointment with both women at the same time and not use a condom at all. It’s like double-dipping but acceptable.

Why would you not use a condom? I feel like this is the exact time you SHOULD use a condom.

Because.

Fair enough. You keep bringing up two women. How would you feel about a woman and a man?

Ehhh, no. That’s not the same.

How is that not the same? Three people are having sex.

This is less of a “threesome” and more of a tag team.

Wouldn’t a threesome with two women also be a tag team?

No. You don’t truly understand this. In a threesome, all of the participants are having sex with each other. I would have sex with the women, the women would have sex with me, and they would have sex with each other. In the situation you presented, I wouldn’t have sex with the other man. We would simply work together to f*ck the woman.

Please watch your language. That actually does make some sense, but it sounds like a threesome depends on the women also being bisexual, no?

Yea, it does. And as you know, men LOVE watching two women have sex.

That is true. Watching the opposite gender have sex with each other is always attractive.

Bingo! The way I envision it, the two women can have foreplay with each other while I watch. Because honestly, I don’t want to deal with foreplay at all. I just want to get my penis involved as quickly as possible.

I actually like a good pussy-licking video.

Anyway, they can handle the foreplay, then I can jump into the fray with my penis. I can take turns having sex with the both of them. Whenever I need a break, they can go back to having sex with each other. It’s like the action never stops.

That’s smart. But what if they forget about you during one of those breaks?

What do you mean?

Like, they enjoy having sex with each other so much that they forget your existence.

I guess I’ll jerk off.

Fair enough. Are you sure you would have enough energy for a threesome?

Of course I would. It’s just like normal, one-on-one sex.

Well, that obviously isn’t true. I mean, this involves TWO women. You need twice the energy.

No you don’t. You just split the same amount of energy in half, and equally distribute it amongst two different women. It’s mathematical. I’m not having sex for a longer amount of time.

Like, when we try to do two things at once, we can’t give both things 100% of our focus. When I listen to music while doing my work, I’m not truly listening to the music. A threesome is similar. I only have eight minutes of actual thrusting in me. So I split those minutes between them. Maybe 60-40 based on who I like more.

But wouldn’t that give you less time to help both woman orgasm?

Orgasm? This isn’t women friendly porn. Besides, that’s why the two women have each other. Who knows how to satisfy a woman better than another woman?

That really is smart. Why do some people call a threesome a “ménage à trois?”

That’s not the same thing. A threesome simply describes three people engaging in the same activity. It can actually be very innocent, but porn made it dirty. A ménage à trois is an actual committed relationship with three people.

That’s crazy.

I know, right?!

Nicolette Shea and Moriah Mills getting ready to fight.
Battling women entering a threesome is a common porn trope.

So, serious question: how do you get two women to have a threesome with you?

I have no f*cking idea. Excuse my language. I’ve never been in a spot where two women want my penis so badly that they would share it. But I have watched a lot of porn, so I can guess how it happens.

Sounds like this will be confidently incorrect. So please, indulge me.

I can think of four reasonable situations where a threesome could happen:

  • Three people who aren’t romantically linked have a night that ultimately goes too far. I’m guessing alcohol, extreme levels of boredom, or extreme levels of kinkiness are involved.
  • A couple spontaneously links up with a third wheel in a genuine moment of attraction.
  • A couple searches for and invites a third wheel to deliberately spice up their sex lives.
  • Two girls hold a dick-sucking or dick-riding contest and need one of us to be the judge.

Three of those situations sound reasonable. Is this why threesomes in porn either have zero story or ridiculous stories?

Pretty much. A threesome should be a grounded and thought-out decision. Situations #2 and #3 are fairly cut and dry. Two consenting adults involve a third consenting adult, and that’s that. When it comes to a narrative, there wouldn’t be much to show. While the details are probably interesting, there isn’t a lot of creative flexibility.

Situation #1 opens a few more doors, but again, the narrative is a bit linear and predictable. That’s how situation #4 comes up: it at least creates conflict. There are different ways two women could find themselves at war with each other over a man’s penis.

What are some examples?

Like, a woman catches her boyfriend having sex with another woman, but decides to join in to show the boyfriend what he’s losing. Or, a stepmom steals her stepdaughter’s man, and the stepdaughter has something to prove. It sounds dumb.

Agreed. It does.

It’s hard to find fun ways to portray a threesome in porn. It’s easier to find stupid ways.

Makes sense. So could anything go wrong with a threesome?

Plenty! I read an article on mindbodygreen about how to effectively have a threesome. There are a number of things people should consider before having one.

Like what?

Definitely avoid ignoring one person. Being left out while the other two people enjoy themselves can be isolating. Communication is important as well. Have some semblance of a plan and express any boundaries we might have. Also, don’t be disrespectful. Remember, we’re all people, not toys.

Wow, that’s actually very considerate and measured. The exact opposite of porn.

Yea, no one wants to see the realities of a threesome. It wouldn’t be a fantasy. We want threesomes to be consequence-free: no conflict, all about the guy’s satisfaction, and no lingering relationship issues afterward.

Sounds great then. Anything else we should know?

Don’t push yourself too hard, or your dick might be sore in the morning.

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